Stun Gun...Hilarious

This was posted on another forum. Read with Caution!

STUN GUN (Only a guy would
do this and I can picture several men - I'm Related
to them by blood and marriage, doing this)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
guy who purchased His lovely wife a pocket Taser for
their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that Sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 15th anniversary and I was looking for A little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device
and brought it Home. I loaded two triple-a batteries
in the darn thing and pushed the Button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the Button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue Arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is On the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new Toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two Triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I Really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must Admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and Thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat. But, if I was Going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a Mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading Glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, And taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would Shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed To cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second Burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish Out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" Long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded With two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible Way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my Best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to One side as to
say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a
one-second Burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
touched The prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!!!I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in
through the side door, picked Me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
my side in the fetal Position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,Testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the Oddest position, and tingling in my
legs. The cat was standing over me Making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedlyThinking to herself, 'Do it again,
stupid, do it again !'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one Note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap Yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from Your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. A three-second Burst would be
considered conservative. A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as Time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had Left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel Of the fireplace. How did
they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both Nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, And my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles! I'm offering a Significant reward for
their safe return. Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being
stupid'. STUN GUNS AND REDNECKS DO NOT MIX. Ha ha